Chapter 26
Behavior: Inside to Out
The
focus in Part II of this book has been on our internal, largely mental, human
capacities - our perceptions, our knowledge and understanding, our memory, our
beliefs, our values, our needs and motivations, our emotions, our intelligence
and problem-solving skills, and creativity. We have
also explored our limitations – sensory and cognitive, mental disorders, habits
and addictions, and cognitive biases. These human nature elements remain unseen
and unknown to other humans until we express them in our actions. We will soon
examine how our actions and behaviors have consequences that we either
acknowledge and learn from or, often when we mess up, deny, rationalize, and
likely repeat. But first...
Behavior Drivers
We have arrived at the foot of a bridge that spans the divide between our internal and external worlds. Our internal human processes manifest themselves in external world actions (single, intentional acts) and behaviors (patterns of actions over time).
From our Emotions, we manifest our joy (crossing the bridge) by laughing or smiling; our sadness or feeling overwhelmed by crying; our anger and frustration by yelling; our urge to comfort others by hugging them or saying kind words; our fear by fighting, fleeing, or freezing.
From our Values we manifest our honesty by telling the truth even when it is difficult; our integrity by taking responsibility for our actions; our generosity by donating our time and money to others in need; our courage by defending the weak against oppressors.
From our Intelligence and Creativity, we manifest our linguistic skills by writing; our quantitative reasoning by making a budget; our abstract reasoning by solving puzzles; our interpersonal aptitude by counseling others; our musical skills by playing the piano; our artistic talents by painting sunsets.
From
our Needs and Motivations, we manifest our survival skills by
avoiding dangerous situations; our hunger by preparing and eating food; our
desire to connect with others by using social media; our spiritual longing by
participating in religious activities.
Conscious vs. Unconscious Behavior
Our behaviors can be conscious or unconscious. Conscious behaviors are intentional, deliberate actions. We perform them with full awareness, control, and reasoning. They include:
- Making a decision, then physically
acting: We choose our breakfast, make it, then eat it. When someone asks a
question, we decide how to respond.
- Learning a new skill: We focus when learning to drive or play an instrument or figuring out the controls of our new smart phone.
- Problem-solving: When car shopping we do our analysis, then are driven to the auto dealership to begin our negotiations.
- Apologizing: When we screw up, we apologize, then figure out how to avoid the next tiff.
- Planning Ahead: We weigh job opportunities and then choose our next vacation destination.
- Controlling impulses: We count to ten before acting rashly, then choose better words to say.
- Reflecting on experiences: We journal daily activities or write our memoirs.
- Acting ethically: We make good choices and then follow through with our actions and words.
Unconscious behaviors are automatic, habitual, or reflexive responses that don’t involve deliberate thought. They are shaped by conditioning, instinct, or ingrained brain patterns. Many such behaviors are benign, but some are undesirable. They may include:
- Reflexes: We blink in a sandstorm and jerk our hand away from a hot stove.
- Habits: We check our smart phones for new messages; we add “You know…” to every third sentence we speak or “Like…” to every single sentence.
- Body Language: We communicate our internal mental and emotional states by the way we sit, the tone of our voice, and many of our facial expressions.
- Freudian slips: “I’m fatter…I mean...flattered you came.”
- Driving: We suddenly realize we’ve driven ten miles on the freeway without awareness.
- Emotional triggers: We get defensive with our spouse because we assume we know what they are going to say before they say it.
- Social conditioning: We copy the posture of the person with whom we are speaking.
Agency and Control
Agency refers to our capacity to act
intentionally and make choices that influence our own life and environment. It
is the sense that we are the authors of our own actions, rather than merely
being controlled by external forces or unconscious drives. A person with a
strong sense of agency perceives themselves as the initiator and regulator of
their behavior, capable of setting goals, making plans, and taking responsibility
for outcomes.
Agency develops through childhood
interactions, as individuals learn that their actions produce effects. Social
and cultural contexts also shape agency. For example, collectivist cultures
may emphasize shared or relational agency rather than purely individual
control.
There can be a disconnect between a
person’s perception of their powers of external control and reality. This is
evident when our behavior is driven by superstition (e.g., knock on wood to
prevent misfortune). We can also see extremes of this discrepancy in
psychological disorders like schizophrenia, dissociation, or learned
helplessness. Most of us confuse our Concerns with our Influence, and Control
(covered in Chapter 76).
The
urge to control is one of the most fundamental human nature needs. From
the way we organize our daily routines to how we govern societies, the impulse
to control our environment, circumstances, and even other people shapes nearly
every aspect of life. It can be a source of empowerment and stability — or,
when taken to extremes, a root of anxiety, conflict, and oppression.
From an evolutionary standpoint, the
need to control is linked to survival. Early humans who learned to predict and
manage their environment - by controlling fire, domesticating animals, or
storing food - increased their odds of survival. Control meant safety from
predators, starvation, and chaos. Neuroscientifically, the brain rewards
predictability: when outcomes match expectations, dopamine levels stabilize,
reinforcing a sense of mastery and calm. Conversely, unpredictability triggers
the brain’s stress response, flooding the body with cortisol and adrenaline.
Thus, control is not only a psychological preference but also a biological
necessity for maintaining equilibrium.
Studies consistently show that people
who perceive greater control over their lives experience less stress, better
health, and higher life satisfaction. However, the line between healthy control
and pathological control is thin. When control becomes rigid or absolute - as
seen in perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive behavior, or authoritarian
tendencies - it shifts from an adaptive strategy to a source of suffering. The
fear of losing control can itself become a prison, producing anxiety, rigidity,
and distrust.
As we saw in Chapter 6 (“Guardrails”), human societies institutionalize control through laws, hierarchies, and
systems. Governments, religions, and schools are built on the premise of
managing human behavior for order and stability. This social control can foster
cooperation and protect communities — but it can also lead to domination and
oppression when power concentrates in a few hands. History shows that the same
need that drives us to build civilizations can also drive us to destroy freedom
in the name of control.
On a smaller scale, families and
relationships often mirror this tension. Parents seek to guide children’s
behavior for safety and moral development, yet overcontrol can stifle autonomy
and trust. In workplaces, micromanagement undermines creativity and motivation,
demonstrating how control can backfire when rooted in fear rather than
guidance.
At the deepest level, the need to
control is a response to the existential uncertainty of life. Humans are
acutely aware of their mortality and the unpredictability of fate. Control
gives the illusion of stability in a world governed by chance. Much of human
culture - from religion to art to heroism - can be understood as an effort to
manage our fear of powerlessness in the face of death. We construct systems,
routines, and narratives to impose order on chaos, even though complete control
is impossible.
Paradoxically, peace often comes not
from absolute control but from learning when to let go. Philosophical
traditions from Stoicism to Buddhism teach that inner freedom arises from
accepting what cannot be controlled while focusing effort on what can — one’s
thoughts, actions, and attitude. True mastery, in this sense, lies not in
domination but in self-regulation and wisdom.
In the modern world, technology
amplifies humanity’s illusion of control - from genetic engineering to
artificial intelligence. We can now manipulate ecosystems, alter genes, and
simulate entire realities. Yet these advances revive old questions: How much
control is too much? At what point does mastery become hubris? Climate change,
for example, reflects the consequences of humanity’s overconfidence in
controlling nature. Similarly, digital surveillance and data manipulation
expose the dark side of our desire to predict and manage human behavior.
In summary…
Much of our behavior is driven by the
Human Nature need to control and is both a survival instinct and a
psychological paradox. It provides security and structure but can easily become
the source of anxiety, domination, and harm. The challenge is not to eliminate
control but to balance it - to seek influence without illusion, mastery without
tyranny, and order without suffocating freedom. In the end, wisdom lies in
recognizing that while we cannot control the world, we can control how we
respond to it.