Chapter 30
Learning our Identities
Identity
is the ongoing story we tell ourselves about ourselves – shaped by our culture, experiences, and choices. Unlike personality, which is
rooted in biological temperament and emotional tendencies, identity is largely
constructed. It develops as we interpret our experiences and decide what they
mean to us.
Identity begins before language, in our bodies and in emotional memory. If, as infants, we are responded to with warmth, contact, and consistency, we likely believe “I am safe and lovable”. In youth, we observe how others respond to us. Parents, siblings, peers, and our environment act as mirrors. Our identity story might be “I am smart, creative, and capable” or it might be “I am nothing but trouble”.
If we have siblings, our identities are often found in relative comparisons. We might be athletically and intellectually gifted, but if we have a brother or sister who shines much brighter, we might develop the self-image (identity) of being a clumsy dolt.
Our culture teaches us which identities are desirable and which are disfavored. In other words – values. It tells us what is honorable and what is shameful. It tells us what success and failure mean. To a great degree, it tells us who we are expected to be.
As we collect life memories, we start to build a rich narrative of who we are – a walking autobiography. We choose which events matter, interpret what they mean, and decide what they say about us.
In adolescence and adulthood, identity becomes increasingly shaped by what we believe is right, what we value as important, and what we consider worth striving for.
Major transitions – loss, love, failure, success, trauma, healing – can cause us to revise who we believe ourselves to be. Personal growth is a process of letting go of outdated identities so a more truthful, satisfying one can emerge.
We will engage in some self-reflection on our identity in Part V, then explore the process of resculpting our image in Chapter 74.