Chapter 34
Identity Clashes
When our different identities (biological, social, psychological, moral, or contextual) pull in opposing directions, we experience inner tension – often mild discomfort, sometimes deep anguish. Here are several examples that may be relatable.
- When a person believes they are kind and patient but reacts harshly under stress, they will feel shame and self-doubt. [ideal self vs. actual self]
- When an aging athlete is considered over-the-hill, yet their pride has always been attached to their physical prowess, they may feel worthless and cast aside. [age vs. role expectations]
- When a person assigned male at birth feels an internal sense of being female - the urge for conformity by social expectations, their dysphoria and self-doubt can be overwhelming. [gender identity vs biological sex]
- When a second-generation immigrant feels torn between their family’s cultural traditions and the national culture in which they matured, they can feel alienation, cultural guilt, and a sense of being caught in a no-man’s land. [ethnic heritage vs. national identity]
- When a cult member realizes they want to leave the controlling group, they will likely feel anxiety and a sense of betrayal of their “friends”. Yet if they don’t separate, they would be denying an emerging independent self. [group role vs. authentic self]
- When a mother identifies as both a caregiver and an independent adventure seeker, there will inevitably be time and energy conflicts that cause guilt and exhaustion. [parental identity vs. personal freedom]
- When a corporate employee who values honesty is pressured to manipulate data, they will experience cognitive dissonance and burnout. [moral values vs. job security]
- When a person curates an idealized digital persona that hides depression or insecurity, they will experience a sense of dissociation and imposter syndrome. [online identity vs. real self]
- When a person’s political group supports policies they find morally wrong, they may feel disillusionment. [political identity vs. moral identity]
- When a person experiences trauma and struggles between who they were before and who they must become to heal, they may feel emotional fragmentation. [healing self vs. wounded self]
To complicate matters, at times we feel clashes between more than two of our identities at once. Think of the Muslim woman in a Western country balancing faith, cultural modesty, and gender empowerment. [ethnicity vs. gender vs. religion] Or a parent working long hours to provide financial stability, but who is losing their family. [career vs. family vs. morale]
The above examples focus largely on the intrapersonal dynamics of identity conflict. Of course, conflicts can play out externally in interpersonal relations. When this occurs, it is more than a disagreement; it is a clash of deeply held identities. It is as if another person, trying to be true to their identity, calls into question the validity of our own. As we will examine soon, this can feel like a fight to the psychological death. Here are a few examples.
- In a work setting, one person identifies as honest and principled, while another identifies themselves as being practical and strategic. The first sees compromise as “dishonest” while the second sees rigid ethics as naïve. (the Moralist vs. the Pragmatist)
- A parent believes identity is defined by family, religion, and duty. Their child believes identity is self-defined. Is the child rebellious? Is the parent oppressive? Each is true to their own identity. (the Traditionalist vs. the Individualist)
- A boss identifies as a leader and decision-maker. An employee identifies as a creative and independent thinker. The boss feels challenged. The employee feels controlled. (the Authoritarian vs. the Free spirit)
- One partner defines themselves as “the provider”. The other defines themselves as “self-reliant”. The helper feels unappreciated. The independent partner feels smothered. (the Provider vs. the Independent)
- A person devoted to service and self-sacrifice befriends someone who lives for enjoyment and spontaneity. Each questions the other’s moral compass. (the Purpose driven vs. the Pleasure seeker)
- A believer sees questioning as betrayal; a doubter sees blind faith as ignorance. What feels sacred to one feels cultish to the other. (the Faithful vs. the Skeptic)
The current political schism in the United States is much less about government policies than it is about identities. Each side of the divide feels moral outrage about what they believe (or have been led to believe) are the attitudes of individuals on the other side.
How do interpersonal clashes manifest? In these ways:
- Miscommunication: Each speaks from a different moral or cultural frame.
- Projection: Each assumes the other’s motives mirror their own (a cognitive bias).
- Identity threat: Challenges to beliefs feel like attacks on one’s very being.
- Polarization: People double down on identity instead of seeking understanding.
In other words, identity clashes between people are not just arguments over facts or opinions. They are collisions between different definitions of what it means to be a good, worthy, and authentic human being.
How consequential are our identities? Many (most?) humans are willing to sacrifice their lives (or take the life of another) for the sake of an identity. That is our next focus.