Chapter 28

Pride (Humble or Hubristic), Embarrassment, Guilt, and Shame 

A child with his arms crossed AI-generated content may be incorrect.

 Pride is one of our most impactful emotions because it links our identities (as discussed in Part III) to our motivations and behaviors. Unlike primary emotions like fear, anger, or joy, it is a self-conscious emotion in the same family as shame, guilt, and embarrassment. These emotions require self-awareness – the ability to evaluate oneself in relation to social standards or personal values. We feel pride when we accomplish something meaningful (e.g., finishing a painting, sticking to an exercise regimen); living up to our moral or social standards (e.g., donating to a favorite charity); or contributing to a group or community’s success (i.e., flushing the winning basket). For these and countless other reasons, we can be thankful for the human emotion of pride.

Classic physiological and behavioral expressions of pride include an erect posture with head held high, a slight smile, and hands on hips or raised arms (picture Rocky on the steps of the Philadelphia Museum). There are also neurological activations of the medial prefrontal cortex and anterior cingulate cortex.

At the same time, researchers distinguish between two forms of pride. Authentic pride is linked to genuine accomplishment and confidence.  It promotes motivation and prosocial behavior. Hubristic pride is rooted in arrogance or an inflated self-view. It is correlated with narcissism and aggression. Let’s dive deeper into the distinctions between these types.

Aristotle called Pride the crown of all virtues. In contrast, Christianity lists Pride as the deadliest of the seven deadly sins. What gives? Of course, the Greek philosopher was referring to “proper pride” – a balanced recognition of one’s own worth without exaggeration or false modesty. This kind of pride sustains dignity, motivates excellence, and strengthens resilience. Christians, in contrast, were talking about arrogance, as in hubris. Authentic pride motivates learning and growth; hubris resists correction because it denies weakness and exaggerates superiority.  The difference between the two lies in proportion and orientation. Pride emerges from genuine accomplishment and self-knowledge; hubris arises from delusion and overestimation. Pride looks inward with a balanced recognition of both strengths and limits; hubris looks outward with domination and is dismissive of others. Pride fosters dignity and connection; hubris isolates, breeds resentment, and often precedes a downfall.

In world history, we see these differences played out. Nelson Mandela exhibited pride in his cause and resilience. He inspired people around the world. Authoritarian rulers like Napoleon and Hitler exemplified hubris in their overreach as they plunged their nations into catastrophe. History has yet to be written on the futures of today’s superpower nations, though Rome is a lesson in an empire that expanded beyond sustainable limits. The challenge for individuals and societies alike is to cultivate authentic pride while guarding against the lure of hubris. In doing so, humanity can balance confidence with humility, strength with restraint, and ambition with wisdom.

Let’s leave hubris now and consider pride’s unfortunate counterparts – embarrassment, guilt, and shame. All of these emotions are feedback mechanisms that tell us whether our actions align with or conflict with our internalized story of “who we are” and “who we want to be.”

Embarrassment arises from minor social mistakes or awkwardness. We feel it when the flaws of our public image are momentarily revealed. We blush, laugh nervously, and look down. The positive consequence is that in challenging our idealized identity, it reinforces our social awareness and promotes humility…particularly when we own our faux pas.

Guilt is triggered when our specific actions cause harm. Admitting poor behavior is not an admission that “we are bad people” but that “I did a bad thing”. Its behavioral expression is apologetic gestures and reparative actions. Admitting and correcting our mistakes encourages empathy and accountability and repairs social bonds.

Shame may be the most difficult emotion to experience. We have violated a moral or social standard. Our identity of being a “good person” is threatened, and we feel our unworthiness has been exposed. We avert our gaze, slump our shoulders, and look for a rock to hide under. Yet, as long as it doesn’t become a chronic condition that paralyzes us, it can promote positive conformity and moral self-regulation.

When we acknowledge our mistakes, we not only improve our future behavior and patch social strains, but we can also strengthen relationships. Others know how difficult it is to admit mistakes and will appreciate the respect we’ve given them in our acts of contrition.  If we deny our mistakes, we miss an opportunity to benefit relationships and learn from our experience. What I am saying here assumes we genuinely agree with the standards we have strayed from. If we can honestly say – without rationalization - we believe the standard is wrong, we should feel free to respond in a different way.

Let’s now explore the subject of Identity in greater depth. The focus of Part III will be on “Who I am”. 

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