Chapter 37
The Hierarchy of Human Relationships
Human
relationships span from the one we have with ourselves (see the previous
chapters on identities) to our relationship with all of humanity. Let’s
consider each level of this hierarchy.
Level
0: Our relationship with our present self
Every
relationship begins with self-awareness - our thoughts, values, and emotions
related to our self-concept, self-acceptance, moral identity, and emotional
regulation.
Level
1: The relationship with our past and future self
We
are not the same person today as we were yesterday, nor the person we will be
tomorrow. Even though others (and the Law) consider all tenses of ourselves as
the same entity, it is useful for us to differentiate, thinking of our past
selves with compassion and forgiveness, and our future selves with foresight
and consideration.
Level
2: Dyadic One-on-One Relationships (1-5 people)
These
are our strongest and deepest ties, usually numbering only a few in a lifetime
(partners, best friends, family members). These relationships are characterized
by mutual vulnerability, trust, emotional resonance, and shared history. They
provide us with attachment, emotional safety, and identity reflection (“I know who I
am through how you see me”).
Level
3: Our Inner Circle of Friends (10-15 people)
This
layer includes friends and confidants you trust but don’t share daily intimacy
with. These relationships are characterized by emotional support, loyalty,
shared values, or activities. They provide us with a sense of belonging, social
validation, and emotional buffering. We turn to them when we need sympathy, and we return the favor.
Level
4: Our Friendship and Acquaintance Group (100-150)
At this level, we maintain loose bonds.
These groups typically include people we consider friends, coworkers,
neighbors, local community members, and teammates. The emotional intensity is
lower, our contacts are occasional, but we have a shared context or interest, like hobbies or sports. These people provide us with social capital, resource exchange,
and identity reinforcement (“I’m part of this group”). Social evolutionary
scientists theorize that humans spent most of their history in communities of
this size – tribes, villages, or cohesive social units. They believe that 150
associates (Dunbar’s Number) are our cognitive limit for stable social
relationships.
Level
5: The Societal Level
This
is our relationship with the Masses (thousands to billions)
This
level includes symbolic and generalized others - people we don’t know
personally but with whom we share norms, laws, and moral imagination. With
these people, we share abstract empathy, moral concern, and group identity
(national, religious, ideological). We also share symbols, narratives, and
institutions. This level provides us with a sense of cohesion, cooperation, and
civilization itself. At this level, we can empathize with strangers. These are
imagined communities.
Level
6: The Universal Level - Humanity and the Cosmos (Infinite)
Some theorists add this level - an
identification with all beings, nature, humanity, or the cosmos. Here can be
found compassion, moral universalism, or spiritual transcendence. This level
provides a foundation for altruism and a moral philosophy that transcends
tribalism. In Chapter 86, I argue for this level of consciousness – Pragmatic
Humanism. This attitude can also be found in religious compassion and
environmental ethics.
Conclusion
As relationships move
outward, emotional intensity decreases but social scale and abstraction
increase. At lower levels, we achieve empathy through familiarity. At higher
levels, we achieve it through imagination. The ability to care about “the
masses” depends on abstract reasoning, moral imagination, and narrative - the
“story” of belonging to humanity.