Chapter 66
Renewing our Personal Values
Values Redux
Before discussing how we acquire them and how to evaluate our current
choices, let’s revisit what personal values are. First, for the sake of
simplicity, we are treating Values and Virtues as the same thing rather than
defining the former as our intent and the latter as our behavior. Second, we
are distinguishing Personal from Social values. The latter relates to
expectations society has of its members. Personal values are the internal
standards we use to decide what matters and what is acceptable to us.
To ask how many values there are is like asking how many colors there are
in a rainbow. The number depends on how values are defined, grouped, and
measured. “Honesty,” “fairness,”
“loyalty,” “freedom,” and “security” all feel distinct - but many overlap,
nest, or conflict depending on context. Values are abstract (unlike
preferences), context-sensitive, hierarchical (some matter more than others),
and in tension with each other.
The most widely accepted scientific
model is Shalom Schwartz's Theory of Basic Human Values, which
is used worldwide. Schwartz identifies 10 core values:
- Self-Direction – independence, creativity,
freedom
- Stimulation – novelty, excitement
- Hedonism – pleasure, enjoyment
- Achievement – success, competence
- Power – status, control, influence
- Security – safety, stability
- Conformity – order, self-restraint
- Tradition – customs, continuity
- Benevolence – caring for close others
- Universalism – concern for all people and
nature
Values
compete
Most moral conflict with other humans
begins with a misunderstanding. We assume that disagreement means someone lacks
values, holds the wrong values, or is acting in bad faith. More often, the
opposite is true. Conflict arises when people honor different values
at the same time, and those values cannot all be maximized simultaneously.
Values
are not additive. Values do not stack neatly. Freedom competes with security.
Compassion competes with fairness-as-merit. Truth competes with social harmony.
Stability competes with innovation. Trying to fully satisfy one value often
requires sacrificing another. This is not a moral failure. It is structural
tension. This is unavoidable because human values emerge from real constraints:
Limited resources, uncertain information, emotional and cognitive limits, and
social interdependence
Because reality itself is constrained,
values must trade off. Many ideologies promise harmony by elevating a single
value above all others: Freedom above all, order above all, compassion above
all, and truth above all. These systems fail not because the value is wrong,
but because any value taken to an extreme becomes destructive. Wisdom is a
context-sensitive balance.
Values are tied to identity. When a
value is threatened, it feels like we are threatened. This explains why
disagreements escalate quickly, compromise feels like betrayal, and opponents
appear immoral rather than mistaken. The conflict is real - but it is often
between goods, not between good and evil.
The
Sources of Our Personal Values
Human beings inherit their values long
before they choose them. We absorb them from our families, our culture, our
religion, our peers, and the unspoken rules of the world around us. Much of
this happens in childhood, when our brains are eager to imitate and belong. By
the time we reach adulthood, these inherited values feel like truths, not
choices. They guide our decisions, shape our relationships, and influence the
way we treat others - and ourselves.
But inherited dominant values are not
always aligned with the person we want to be. Some reflect fear or conformity.
Some were shaped by survival rather than wisdom. Some were useful once but are outdated now. Others were imposed by people who themselves were struggling,
wounded, or limited.
This is why renewing our values
is not merely a philosophical exercise. It is an essential act of human
self-management - a conscious reclaiming of the steering wheel.
Renewal Begins with Honest Self-Examination
Renewing
our values does not mean rejecting our past. It means understanding it. The
first step is awareness:
- What values did I inherit - explicitly or implicitly?
- Which values did I adopt from fear, pressure, or social approval?
- Which values reflect who I truly want to be?
- Which are outdated?
- Which do I still admire?
- Which contradicts my personal experience or conscience?
This requires courage. Some inherited
values are comforting because they are familiar, even if they are unhelpful.
Others are painful to confront because they reflect family expectations we
could never meet. Still others reveal the moral compromises we have made simply
to fit in. Renewal asks us to shift from unconscious absorption to conscious
authorship.
Choosing to promote certain Values for the life we want to
live
To renew our values is to choose
deliberately to elevate some over others. A value is not a slogan on a wall; it
is the principle that survives contact with the real world. If we choose to
elevate compassion, it means compassion even when it’s inconvenient. If we
choose integrity, it means honesty even when it costs something. Values/Virtues
are not what we declare; they are what we practice.
Meaningful
values tend to share certain qualities:
- They elevate us beyond our impulses.
- They promote connection and understanding.
- They reduce harm.
- They guide us toward growth, not stagnation.
- They hold steady when life becomes difficult.
When chosen wisely, values become a
stabilizing force - a foundation strong enough to navigate uncertainty,
disappointments, and ethical dilemmas.
Letting Go: The Hardest Part of Renewal
Renewing values is not only about
choosing what to elevate; it is also about choosing what to let go. Some values
must be gently demoted:
- values rooted in fear, shame, or tribalism
- values that diminish others or elevate superiority
- values that require self-betrayal
- values based on outdated gender roles or rigid family scripts
- values that served survival but hinder flourishing
Letting go is difficult because these
values may be tied to people we love. Sometimes renewing our values means
breaking invisible contracts with past generations. It may mean disappointing
others. It often means stepping out of the role we were assigned and into the
person we are becoming. But renewing values is not an act of rebellion. It is
an act of maturity.
The ongoing practice of Renewal
Values are not renewed once - they are
revisited throughout life. As we move through different stages - youth,
partnership, parenthood, loss, aging - we discover new truths about what
matters. Our experiences deepen the values we keep and refine the ones we
reconsider. Renewal is a lifelong dialogue between who we were and who we are
becoming. The goal is not perfection; it is alignment.
Aligned values bring purpose, integrity, emotional clarity, stronger relationships, better decisions, and greater peace. They allow us to move through the world with fewer regrets because our actions match our ideals.
Values vs. Motivations
Our
next stop along the Human Nature Process way is Needs and Motivations. While
values and motivations are closely related, they are not the same thing.
Values are enduring priorities about what should matter. Motivations are
immediate or ongoing drives about what we want or need. Values guide direction;
motivations supply energy. Using the car analogy again – Values set the compass;
motivations push the accelerator. Either (or both) can control the steering
wheel.